Intoxicated Realisations

•July 10, 2010 • Leave a Comment

So at the ball I drank.  I mingled.  I was a socialite.  I didn’t know how to take compliments, so at these times I went quiet.

Still nothing seemed to sit right with me.

Do you ever get drunk and just keep reassessing your life? 

I ended up ditching the crew I was with (sorry guys, wasn’t personal) and walked to a taxi rank across town.  All the way trying to figure out what the missing peice of the puzzla actually was.  I still don’t know.  That wasn’t the realisation I had.  The realisation was that something was missing.  Which is quite somber if you don’t like deep thoughts and over analysing your living, but it seems to be something that comes to me when I’m drinking alcohol.

I don’t know why I used to think losing weight would solve all my problems.  I think that that deluded me into a false sense of self will to loose weight.  Now I’m on my way, I have realised my weight isn’t the only thing stopping life from going on but was only a small part of any problems I had in life.

I also think I’m going to go on heat again soon (I call it going on heat because it’s a joke me and my friend have).  I can got for four months not thinking about guys in more than a check out, then suddenly out of nowhere for three weeks straight it’s the only thing I think about.  Like a cat on heat, I have the same behaviour patterns…. except the bleeding and the constant high pitch meows.  I’ve noticed myself getting more and more interested over the last week – it’s going to hit any day now.

xx Action Wolfe.

The way it goes.

•July 9, 2010 • Leave a Comment

So I’m still only moving slowly since my plateau, although for reasons called the “Ball” I have feeling quite comfortable with my body at the moment.  Don’t getme wrong i still have fuck loads to lose, but I sent pictures to a few of my friends about a decision with my ball outfit and around 90% of them said it looked awesome.  ^_^

I must admit, without being self indulgent and patting myself on the back, I quite like that I have less of a round shape – It makes me feel confident, and this is the first time since the weight loss that I’ve had this.  So it’s a very nice change.

Thought I’d drop by to say this, because I haddn’t blogged in a few days.

Who knows, tomorrow I may even put up pictures to show the difference between the two.

Oh and another thing from this ball experience, while I’m here, is I put on pants that I wore on all my pracs last year that were snug.  I almost feel as if I was in a Jenny Craige advert holdingmy pants out infront of me, and they were soo baggy.

So, my wallet doesn’t love me this week, but my self perception does.  Bring on the next challenge – the next ten kilo’s.

^_^

xx Action Wolfe

Happiness

•July 5, 2010 • Leave a Comment

You know, for some reason I always thought that losing weight would make me happy. It was just an idea built in the back of my head. Being skinny means you were happy. I’m not saying I’m skinny, but through losing weight I do feel better but I wouldn’t really call it happy.  It depends what you classify happiness as really.

In Wicked the musical Glinda classifies happiness as:

“Happy is what happens when your dreams come true.”

I’m not sure I believe that.

In Next to Normal the main character says:

“People who think they’re happy just haven’t thought about it enough…. or those people are just stupid.”

In saying this, I’m not unhappy.

It’s not like I’m crying myself to sleep in fits of rage.  I just feel there is something more to life.  I think I figured out why my plateau lasted so long.  My calorie intake was way too low.  What do you think happiness is?  I’m not sure, nor do I think anyone can be happy 24/7.

It’s a gradual process, however I do feel better.

xx Action Wolfe

Plateau

•July 1, 2010 • 2 Comments

So the rollercoaster has continued, then leveled out, only to continue again. 

The pills that I’m on seem to make me emotional some days, today is one of those days.

I woke up feeling fantastic.  The best I’ve been in a few days, I think it’s because I went to Body Combat tonight and enjoyed it.  My body is way sore today but in that good self-assured way.  The only thing I wish didn’t hurt is one of the muscles across my back, still it’s not a bad kind of pain, rather that muscle ache after exercise pain.  Just it is in an annoying spot.

I hopped in the car to head to work and then noticed I have done well over 500K’s on one tank of petrol, yet my petrol meter had stuck at the halfway point.  It’s been dodge on me for a while now but it has never fully stalled at half a tank.  I’ve seen many friends slam their hands onto their dashboards, then watched their petrol gauges adjust.  After this I had always thought “I’m glad mine works.”  So I slammed my hand down on the top, firm enough to just give it a nudge without putting any strength behind it.  A culmination of cold weather and brittle plastic type material was no match for my ultra strength (I really didn’t use all my strength) and the whole right hand side of my dash shattered while I was driving.  I was soo teary because Gavin (My car… yes he is a boy car) has been with me for 5 years and I have looked after him soo well considering how old he is.  The pills just took it to the next level of emotions.  I stopped to get petrol so I could tell when I needed petrol next, the guy behind the counter thought I was odd.  I’m sure of it.

At lunch time I had lunch with a friend I haven’t seen since before I started my journey, she was impressed.  I still had the thought in my head that maybe I should have worn something other than what I wore. The jeans I bought on the weekend are already getting loose on me.

That’s another thing, I have not changed weight at all this week.

It’s just like my life.  Comes in phases, some times it brilliant and goes really fast and the other times it just pauses.  I’m sick of the pauses. But I guess that’s natures test to test your will to lose the weight and keep going with life.  I’m not giving in.  I’ve become an addict for this healthy lifestyle, and loving it.

xx Action Wolfe

Rollercoaster

•June 30, 2010 • Leave a Comment

So today I started off frumpy.  I haven’t been frumpy in a while so it was weird.

I put it down to not doing my exercise when I needed it yesterday…. I missed the endorphins.

Okay so one of my workmates asked me about my writing today… I have two books that have gotten past the point of “Meh”.  Both I haven’t finished but plan to one day.  One is called “The Sea” and the other is called “The Third Child”.  One about life and death, and one a flip side fairy tale, inspired by my favorite author Gregory Maguire.  I love them both.  I have plans out in my head for both of them.  Both have characters that I love, and the characters like to interact when I write about them, as if they are real.  (Maybe its because I’m not mentally stable and they are my multiple personalities…. oh well…. s’pose it just makes life more interesting :P)

Okay so the point of talking about this is going to happen right……… about……… now.  I have had this brilliant plot in my head, the only thing stopping it is finding how to link the ending and the beginning.   I have been thinking and thinking what could occur to make the characters get pushed to each point that they are at.  Finally today I clicked.  It hit me and I started slamming my pen to little pieces of spare note paper flying around my office.  For once I know where my novel is going before I write, unlike normally where I write where the characters and the situation takes me.  This made me happy.

After that I went to the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror.  Yes I am 10 kilo’s down, but my clothes are now over sized and stretched and still make me look like I’m as big as I was.  It’s not that big a deal, but it frustrates me.  One of the things I’ll have to get used to before I buy a new wardrobe.  So that got me going down on the roller coaster.

To finish it all though I did Body Combat after work.  It fucked me over, I feel so good because of it.  I think I want to keep going.  A month ago I wouldn’t have been able to complete a full class.  Tonight I worked it till the end.  Sore now.  But I know my body will love it.

Which puts me on a high to end it.

I love feeling the weight dropping off… I’m over my emotions running wild because of it.

Even if it is an emotional ride.  I guess it’s a part of my evolution.

xx Action Wolfe

Relapses and Bad Habbits.

•June 29, 2010 • 2 Comments

Today I spent the day with good intentions as I have for almost a months now.  I ate healthy at breakfast, 200 cal, and then a 200 cal worth of soup for lunch with 150cal of wholegrain bread.  A coffee between the two of them.

I have done a similar thing most days but mostly had salad and protein for my lunch time meal.

Then the world came to an end, tornadoes ripped up the earth and life as we knew it ended.

Not really, I’m not taking it that much of a set back.

My friend who has lost 15kilos told me last week “Don’t be shocked and think what’s wrong with you when you have a day where you just want to keep eating and eating and eating.  You will have days where you cave in.”

Today was the first day like that in my life change.

Okay, so I didn’t eat a whole cake, followed by a packet of TimTams or packets of lollies.  However, I did eat 1/4 of a packet of chips.  Yes that’s still lame, at the same time I’m looking at it as not a landslide.

For dinner I had sushi and steamed pork dumplings, which is relatively healthy.

The point of this is I’m getting back on the horse.  There will be days like this.  People who aren’t struggling with weight loss will not understand the mental challenges people on strict diets face.  They think it’s simple to just stop eating.

Yes it is, but that’s not a permanent solution.  That defaults you back to binge eating.

Changing your lifestyle is the way to get fit and stay fit for life.

Kate Moss once said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” and got blasted for it.

I’ve had my first moments where I’ve gone “I don’t feel like the elephant in the room any more.  I feel normal.”  Those feelings cannot be replaced by any food in the world.  As wrong as what Kate Moss said is wrong, it is so true to an extent.

xx Action Wolfe

Weekend High

•June 28, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I left you guys on a cliffhanger.  Surprisingly wasn’t surprised but still was interesting.  Now I have so much to talk about.

I am going to try to write this into a logical order… but I’m not to sure any of the weekend was too logical.

First things first…. I can now be called Mr.Wolfe, as I have passed my unit at university.  This is incredible.  So much pressure lifted from me all in one text, as I got my room mate to check it while I was out of net range.  This means no more assignments, not more broke uni student wallet and having an excuse.  No more all night writing sessions trying to get that extra 10% in assignments.  Best of all, I can start to put my plans into motion.  I had three sets of plans, this one is by far my favorite.  Before I get to that point I have so much paperwork to hand in for final certification.  Still…. I can smell it it’s that close on the horizon.

After finding all this out, seeing one of my closest friends, getting new glasses (what’s a transformation without new ones) I went clothes shopping for the first time since the start of my transformation.  I am a size smaller / between sizes in some cases.  Some jeans were megga tight in one size then huge in the next one up.  I finally found a cheap pair (as why spend money on something that wont fit in a few weeks).  I bought a business shirt that was a size smaller, and jeans a size smaller.  I felt deterred even though the size is smaller than normal, I think it was because I got a tad excited thinking I would be further along.  10 Kilos and only one size down?  This surprised me.  At the same time it’s not like woman’s clothes where there is a size for every even number, it is 5 sizes for males… then you get into the Mr.Big section where I have bought from before.  So I’m back down in a section I’m not embarrassed to shop in.

That night I wore my new clothes and hit the town with my old country town mates.  It was the best night out I have had in a while.  I had a new confidence that I can’t explain.  I wasn’t a prick to people and full of myself, at the same time I met so many new people I maybe wouldn’t have met if I had held back, scared of what they think of me. In fact I got talking to a Canadian guy that was really nice.  He sat down and we talked for a good 25 minutes.  No number… I have to get out of the habit of forgetting to ask.  At the same time I feel he could have asked, it’s not just my issue.

I have decided to stop the daily weigh ins, even though they do keep me more motivated.

I’m going to limit it to two-three times a week then cut it back again.  I’m about to take my measurements and judge my weight loss from there, as I just got some weights to start working on my arms (they are too thin for my liking now) so am going to build and tone a tad more through the week.

I also started writing a new novel…. for the first time the story is laid out inside my head before I start to write.  This makes it all the more exciting when I can slam two chapters out per night.  ^_^  Yeow.

I shall check back in with you guys tomorrow or Wed.

Thanks guys.

Action Wolfe xx